Erratum:

I said —It hasn’t even started.

Of course it has.

— D

Dear T —

August 10th, in the morning, I sat at a traffic light.

I don’t know how many times it changed.

Finally someone honked.

+

I have learned just three valuable things in life.

I will tell you the most important one in this letter.

A quote in a shop window reminded me.

(I always planned to tell you. Now seems good.)

Everyone gives new parents advice.

(They need it.)

Most live each moment terrified of

—doing something that will harm their child’s life

—not doing something that will help their child’s life

A teacher then told me this

—One percent of what you do might harm them and one percent of what you do might help them but the other ninety-eight percent won’t do either. You will just be together. Enjoy each other.

For me, this changed everything.

It freed me.

It enabled joy.

(It applies to adults too.

It applies to all relationships.)

OK, now I’ve told you.

(check)

The quote I saw was

—It is not necessary to teach others, to cure them or to improve them; it is only necessary to live among them, sharing the human condition and being present to them in love.

+

Tons to share but all can wait.

— All my love, D

(it regenerates)

P.S. Hey, don’t worry. No one will treat your heart more gently.

Dear T —

Some thoughts.

(All good, promise.)

+

(first)

You did nothing wrong.

I understand…

…and thank you for sharing.

The madwoman? So adorable.

(Can you solve problems of the heart with your brain?

Still, my favorite feature is behind your eyes.)

I’ve learned not to skip too many steps.

No, it’s not over. It hasn’t even started!

Also, my nose finally healed.

+

(second)

When you selectively share, you always have more to share.

I’ve struggled the past few months.

I felt trapped in an eclipse.

(just a metaphor)

First, work.

Since January, I didn’t know if I had a job.

Then, health.

I’ve had some problems, nothing contagious, or fatal.

Plus, well…

Finally, I got good news — all on the same day — the day of your last note.

(coincidence?)

I have a job. I have my health. I have a light.

(good things come in threes)

Just had déjà vu too…

+

(third)

These letters have meant a lot to me.

They gave me comfort.

Thank you.

+

(fourth)

Kairos: one of the first things my mentor Zelda taught me.

Greek, ecclesiastical, she explained it as —the perfect right time for something to happen.

Did I go too fast?

(forgive me)

I’ll come soon.

I promise not to go too slow.

+

(fifth)

Games: I don’t play them.

If I did, I would say —I’m not asking you to wait for me…

Actually, —I’m begging you to wait for me…

(—My idea of love is that love isn’t ashamed of nothing.)

+

(sixth)

Olympic games: I’ve learned Koreans excel in archery, fencing, and shooting.

Y’all are violent.

(Not even mentioning NorKor.)

I will not mess with you.

+

(seventh)

Church: I went Sunday.

This always happens:

The sermon theme? —Grow up!

It was for me.

(From the newspaper —You have obligations to people. You can’t make dumb choices.)

I need to be the person that the people in my life need me to be.

I accept.

+

(eighth)

Doctor: He made me cry.

He said —You’re still young…

I have time.

+

(ninth)

Ikigai: From the TV —Purpose helps you do amazing things.

Not what are you doing?, but why are you doing it?

(I write to heal.)

Also —Her spirit desires perfection.

(Mine desires expression.)

What are your answers?

+

(random thought 1)

Why do some dogs have one blue eye?

There’s a story there.

+

(random thought 2)

As an actress and fashionista, are you ever the same woman twice?

+

(random thought 3)

Am I beginning to sound like you?

—All my love, yours for the taking,

D

P.S.

(take two)

—Will you let me buy you a cup of coffee?

(please?)

—Tea is fine too.

P.P.S. Also how about some beef intestines? or pig’s trotters?

Dear T —

(off topic)

(not really)

So while building confidence, how do we battle fear?

Watching the Olympics, I noticed the archers’ heart rate monitors. During her set up, one archer’s heart rate kept falling.

Every time. By 10 points, or more…

She learned that.

I don’t know how she did it.

(Have to admit, watching women’s archery turned me on a little.)

I use this trick:

Before big presentations to Executive Creative Directors or clients, I do “box breathing.”

(I always do this actually.)

It turns a formal presentation into a casual conversation.

For work, I create ideas.

At first I struggled. I felt blocked by fear, frozen by pressure.

In fact, the harder I thought the worse my ideas got.

I’d have very little or very boring stuff.

(The first rule of entertainment? Never bore.)

I finally figured it out:

Free yourself. Have fun.

You can’t do ballet in a space suit.

(Later I found this study:

A researcher took people who had never played tennis before and made two groups.

Group 1 took lessons. Group 2 fooled around.

Afterwards, guess which group played better?)

Make work play. It works!

Simple. (Obvious.) Effective.

Play lets you take risks and make wonders.

(From an album review: —…brave enough to fail, although they come out heroes…)

A teacher once told me she writes because —Nobody’s life depends on it.

(it could though)

+

(new topic)

(random thought)

If you do something because you have to, but it harms you, it’s an addiction.

If you do something because you have to, but it fulfills you, it’s a passion.

(You know why I write.)

It may not always feel fun, but it always feels satisfying.

I love it because of its difficulty, not in spite of it.

Do you find all you do rewarding?

(I hope so.)

+

At the grocery store today I saw a little girl, 4-ish.

She had long black hair, a long blue dress, and a white stuffed rabbit she dragged around by one long ear.

She skipped everywhere.

(so sweet)

My daughter was a tomboy.

+

I have some good news. I’ll tell you next time.

—All my love, no matter what,

D

P.S.

I saw a movie with my son last night. We sat in the second row in the middle.

He’ll never read this so I can tell you:

He has ADHD, anxiety, BPD and self-harmed, but I still don’t know a happier, smarter, more talented kid.

He’s worked through it, with help. We’ve worked through it.

You can love someone so much it hurts.

I love that kid so much.

P.P.S.

Best lines from the movie we saw:

—You don’t face your fears, you ride ’em.

—If you love something, you spend your whole life trying to understand it.

—If you feel it, chase it!

P.P.P.S.

I don’t know why but I had this song stuck in my head all week.

I looked it up and of course what it’s about…

P.P.P.P.S.

Would you say you’re more of an Anglophile or Francophile?

(think I know)

T —

However:

Remember, when asked how he made Citizen Kane, Welles said

—sheer dumbness… ignorance, there’s no authority like it

or as Toland said

—you don’t know what cannot be done

Let’s call this innocence.

— D

Dear T — 

I read this quote and thought of you:

—…

+

If you ever get mad at me, please curse me out in your native language. It will make it much more enjoyable for each of us.

+

A cactus bloomed in my backyard — a single golden-orange flower, bright and energetic as the sun, right on top.

I took a photo.

+

Last night I woke up in the middle of a great dream.

(so pissed)

I traveled on a star cruiser, solving a murder.

Everything looked so cool.

I remember turning on the lights in this futuristic bar then all these people appeared. They looked like holograms.

An officer kept following me, turning off the lights behind me the way your mother might trying to save electricity.

+

Still obsessed with the Beethoven Op. 29 Hammerklavier — I love my ecstatic piano.

(So does Werner Herzog.)

I found the best recording — Claudio Arrau, 1963.

Listen to 40:21-41:44 — it sounds like four people, not four parts.

The fourth movement astounds.

I covered my mouth when I first heard it and replayed it several times to confirm what I’d heard.

It sounded new.

(What we do with stories — make the old seem like new again.)

Nothing tops my favorite moody sonata though — Scriabin Op. 23 Soul States — and nobody plays it better than Gould.

+

We say we have or don’t have confidence in “ourselves” but what exactly does that mean?

(too broad)

In high school, I had a crush on this girl.

She liked me too. So did her brother. (Not that way.)

He wanted me to play basketball but I sucked at sports.

He said —Play 30 minutes a day every day and you’ll improve.

Not untrue but I had no interest — it wasn’t me.

Instead we should say

—I feel very confident in my abilities to write almost anything, connect with people, and care for them.

– or –

—I don’t feel very confident in my abilities to replace ceiling fans, bake leavened bread, or play card games.

True confidence comes from knowing what we can and can’t do — what we want and don’t want to do — knowing what defines and doesn’t define us.

(LeBron James would suck at theoretical physics. Well, fine.)

Though why not stop thinking we just suck and just learn?

(A professor at Harvard did this experiment:

She told one group of maids that their job would harm their health.

She told another group of maids that their job would improve their health.

Afterwards, guess which group had better health?

It’s all how you look at it.)

Did we know all we know now at birth?

(live to learn)

We notice the confidence we lack rather than the confidence we have.

(A lot like —got milk?

—got confidence?)

So how do we get confidence?

Experience.

Experience builds confidence.

We repeat skills until we master them.

We try. We fail. We learn.

We try again.

We earn it.

(If you know another way, tell me — it’s hard!)

(but also fun)

Want to rewire your brain?

Write.

(a lot)

Writing consistently has the same effect on the brain as prolonged mediation.

(Actually, what’s the difference?)

Not sure if smoking also works.

I’ll let you know…

+

I bought a new lighter and carry it with me everywhere. It makes me happy.

I put in a butane insert so it looks like a blue lightsaber shooting out of its head.

(pretty badass)

+

T, write with power, light, and beauty.

+

I play Sinatra at the Sands while cooking.

(an all-time favorite)

I sing along. I really belt it, at the top of my lungs.

Half of our own happiness comes from being willing to embarrass ourselves.

Half of other people’s happiness comes from being willing to embarrass ourselves.

Our worth doesn’t depend on perceptions.

We have value.

(inherently)

+

I watched a movie last night with Sarah about poison pen letters.

Now I want to write some.

(not to you of course)

I would do well. I have a mean streak. My father has a mean streak. His mother had a mean streak.

( family trait)

You would never know it though.

(would you?)

+

I think my work writing has improved.

I imagine I’m writing letters.

(like this one)

+

Love fixes most things.

(except ceiling fans)

— All my love, all ways, always,

D

P.S. I lost a best friend once because I went to him for emotional support but, of course, he had no way of offering that.

Sometimes, you need different people for different things.

P.P.S. This kept showing up on my YouTube…and I love it.

P.P.P.S. I love pickles.

T — 

Let me share an example, one of my most precious memories.

A year or so ago I watched a movie with my daughter.

At the end, I could tell she was crying, but hiding it from me.

(It was dim.)

I was also crying, but hiding it from her.

We turned to look at each other, then both started bawling.

We held each other until the storm passed.

I will never forgot that, as long as I live.

— D

Dear T — 

—When you take the right path, you meet the right people.

I believe that.

(That requires its own letter to explain. I’ll come back to it.)

+

I’ve said before, things find me:

I watched this movie I’d never heard of — made by all these people I had heard of — which made me smile inside and out.

Lately, I’ve had this one song stuck in my head, “Twilight Zone” by Van Morrison. Not the original though, the alternate take. (link)

The “Twilight Zone” featured prominently in the film. So did “Marty,” the movie I mentioned last time. Other things, too

It seemed like the script wove together several things on my mind into its own thing. Coincidence, I suppose, but I love that.

Things find me.

The right things.

(Side note:

I love so many Van Morrison songs because I have no idea what they’re about.

For example, and these are among my favorite songs of all time:

—”Joe Harper Saturday Morning”

—”Linden Arden Stole the Highlights”

—Pretty much every song on Veedon Fleece

I have my theories about what they mean and who exactly populates these songs — criminals and queens, mostly — but still, not much.

I love how they capture the emotional ripples of an event without ever naming it.

They embody mystery.)

+

Let me quickly update you on my menagerie.

(Me: Writer or zookeeper?)

I’ve written you about spiders, hummingbirds, chickens and now — 

This dog I saw leaving the coffee shop — a loaf of bread body with a biscuit face. As I passed, it looked up at me.

He had this happy/shameful expression, as if to say, —I know I’m ugly and unworthy, but don’t tell them. They love me and I love them!

(smart dog)

Butterflies flit everywhere now. They annoy me. Watching them fly gives me a headache.

Bumblebees have also come out. Did you know they’re blind? They fly straight into things. I love that.

I saw a kitten run behind a fence. It reminded me, when I was a kid.

My grandmother lived with us. She grew champagne grapes in our backyard. In the vines I saw a kitten.

I called to it. I didn’t mean it any harm. I was maybe seven.

It hissed at me, once, twice. Then it leapt out, leaving three bright red lines on my shoulder.

I wasn’t afraid or angry, just hurt and embarrassed.

I think I kept that in the back of my mind as a lesson, although I probably didn’t realize it then.

Never think forgiveness shows weakness. It can take all the strength you have. Kindness, too.

(Ironic, considering love steals your bones.)

My hummingbird, again.

When I see her, even for a moment, it makes me happy.

I feel stupid admitting this but, when she hovered in front of me, I said out loud —Miss you… Love you…

(hopeless)

Oh I almost forgot. This small, female jay has claimed the corner of the sidewalk at the end of my block as her own — the entire corner.

She defends it.

(aggressively)

Can you picture this?

I love thrashers.

(no fear)

+

In the playground next to my coffee shop right now a dad is tossing his daughter into the air and catching her.

Setting her back down on the ground again gently each time.

The kid loves it. She’s two.

The mom looks concerned but the dad is exactly right.

We need not fear every risk.

(There are safe risks and unsafe risks like there are rational fears and irrational fears.)

Some lead to joy.

Teach them young.

+

I have to tell you about my workplace drama. Next time though.

+

I had a few thoughts about honesty and truth.

We all selectively share — but why?

Two main reasons:

1) we want to fit in

(only natural)

2) we want to be that person

(more important)

Well why not?

Who we want to become matters more than who we are now.

Create yourself, like a work of art.

Seize the opportunity!

Can we do anything greater?

(—what a fruit, what a tree you shall be)

Not just for yourself, but for those around you.

I laugh when people say —I’m no good because I do x, y, and z.

People who know what they’ve done “wrong” know where to focus.

(The people who aren’t aware fail.)

—How?, you ask.

In my favorite scene from The Bear, s3e10, Thomas Keller teaches Carmy about wishbones. He says what my Rector always said:

—Do a little better than you did yesterday.

(every day)

That is all. That is enough.

(really)

Also:

Don’t think for a moment that if someone knew everything about you they couldn’t love you.

They couldn’t love you if they didn’t know you.

Real love begins with knowing.

To be loved, be seen.

(Shame prevents connection.)

This doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone everything.

It means don’t be afraid to share things with people you trust.

(It would surprise you what touches another person’s soul, what turns them on, what inspires love.)

As for truth, there are several kinds:

—factual

—emotional

—spiritual

Emotional trumps all.

Feel everything and say how you feel — or else why live?

+

You wrote this paragraph recently that I found so beautiful.

It moved, so gracefully, between the external, internal, and true.

(You didn’t even know you did, did you?)

You don’t have to write 24 books or 12 scripts to change the world.

You can write 124 pages that change everything.

(like Juan Rulfo)

+

I might get a skateboard.

If I do, no more letters, I will likely die.

I’ll write again soon. I need to empty my heart regularly or I don’t know what I’ll do.

— All my love (yesterday, today, tomorrow, always) D

P.S. I should mention, the other day I felt really sad and got drunk on Scotch and soda, which I haven’t done in years.

While drunk, I read your poem, which you had posted minutes earlier, about sorrow and whiskey.

A coincidence, I know, but I love that just the same.

P.P.S… …thinkers… …use… …ellipses… … … …