Dear T — 

I read this quote and thought of you:

—…

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If you ever get mad at me, please curse me out in your native language. It will make it much more enjoyable for each of us.

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A cactus bloomed in my backyard — a single golden-orange flower, bright and energetic as the sun, right on top.

I took a photo.

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Last night I woke up in the middle of a great dream.

(so pissed)

I traveled on a star cruiser, solving a murder.

Everything looked so cool.

I remember turning on the lights in this futuristic bar then all these people appeared. They looked like holograms.

An officer kept following me, turning off the lights behind me the way your mother might trying to save electricity.

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Still obsessed with the Beethoven Op. 29 Hammerklavier — I love my ecstatic piano.

(So does Werner Herzog.)

I found the best recording — Claudio Arrau, 1963.

Listen to 40:21-41:44 — it sounds like four people, not four parts.

The fourth movement astounds.

I covered my mouth when I first heard it and replayed it several times to confirm what I’d heard.

It sounded new.

(What we do with stories — make the old seem like new again.)

Nothing tops my favorite moody sonata though — Scriabin Op. 23 Soul States — and nobody plays it better than Gould.

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We say we have or don’t have confidence in “ourselves” but what exactly does that mean?

(too broad)

In high school, I had a crush on this girl.

She liked me too. So did her brother. (Not that way.)

He wanted me to play basketball but I sucked at sports.

He said —Play 30 minutes a day every day and you’ll improve.

Not untrue but I had no interest — it wasn’t me.

Instead we should say

—I feel very confident in my abilities to write almost anything, connect with people, and care for them.

– or –

—I don’t feel very confident in my abilities to replace ceiling fans, bake leavened bread, or play card games.

True confidence comes from knowing what we can and can’t do — what we want and don’t want to do — knowing what defines and doesn’t define us.

(LeBron James would suck at theoretical physics. Well, fine.)

Though why not stop thinking we just suck and just learn?

(A professor at Harvard did this experiment:

She told one group of maids that their job would harm their health.

She told another group of maids that their job would improve their health.

Afterwards, guess which group had better health?

It’s all how you look at it.)

Did we know all we know now at birth?

(live to learn)

We notice the confidence we lack rather than the confidence we have.

(A lot like —got milk?

—got confidence?)

So how do we get confidence?

Experience.

Experience builds confidence.

We repeat skills until we master them.

We try. We fail. We learn.

We try again.

We earn it.

(If you know another way, tell me — it’s hard!)

(but also fun)

Want to rewire your brain?

Write.

(a lot)

Writing consistently has the same effect on the brain as prolonged mediation.

(Actually, what’s the difference?)

Not sure if smoking also works.

I’ll let you know…

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I bought a new lighter and carry it with me everywhere. It makes me happy.

I put in a butane insert so it looks like a blue lightsaber shooting out of its head.

(pretty badass)

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T, write with power, light, and beauty.

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I play Sinatra at the Sands while cooking.

(an all-time favorite)

I sing along. I really belt it, at the top of my lungs.

Half of our own happiness comes from being willing to embarrass ourselves.

Half of other people’s happiness comes from being willing to embarrass ourselves.

Our worth doesn’t depend on perceptions.

We have value.

(inherently)

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I watched a movie last night with Sarah about poison pen letters.

Now I want to write some.

(not to you of course)

I would do well. I have a mean streak. My father has a mean streak. His mother had a mean streak.

( family trait)

You would never know it though.

(would you?)

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I think my work writing has improved.

I imagine I’m writing letters.

(like this one)

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Love fixes most things.

(except ceiling fans)

— All my love, all ways, always,

D

P.S. I lost a best friend once because I went to him for emotional support but, of course, he had no way of offering that.

Sometimes, you need different people for different things.

P.P.S. This kept showing up on my YouTube…and I love it.

P.P.P.S. I love pickles.