Dear T —
We interrupt our regularly scheduled letter to bring you this urgent news bulletin.
The other night I sat in my backyard (such as it is) smoking a cigar. I saw a spider on the wall.
It just sat there. I wondered why.
Then it crawled up. And I wondered what made it.
I didn’t see any bug. Then I wondered, what could be more important to a spider than a bug?
It stopped again.
Then it moved again. Was this spider just fucking with me?
Where was it going?
Why?
Strangely, I rooted for it.
(Even though we’d just met and despite thinking it wasn’t quite right in the head.)
It was the best half hour of television without a television I’ve ever seen.
I know I can write better than a spider though.
I know you can too.
The unanswered question carries you to The End.
Once I wore a yellow shirt to Whole Foods with purple type that read —IF NOT NOW, WHEN? A fellow shopper gave me the dirtiest look.
—Until the age of seventy, Hokusai said, nothing I drew was worthy of notice.
Indeed, why rush? I need things to do I can’t do, or what would I do?
Hug your failures.
Kiss your ignorance.
I do.
—Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart… Love the questions…
Do not now seek the answers… you would not be able to live them…
Live the questions now… Live everything…
Gradually, without noticing it, you will live the answer…
The unanswered question carries you to The End. All the fun is in not knowing.
Anyway, today’s answers become tomorrow’s questions. Otherwise, what’s the point?
A question mark is no sickle. Nobody ever fell off the world from an infinity pool…
I often feel alone in a crowd yet crowded with affection by myself.
You are not alone.
—Many have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now…
Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles…
You’ll learn from them—if you want to…
Just as someday… someone will learn something from you…
You won’t be alone.
(When people say —I will always stay by your side, I immediately think —Which side?)
You can become who you’re meant to be.
I know. I’ve _______, ______, ______, ______, and ______ (edited to avoid self-incrimination) and yet.
(Illegal, immoral, insane — that’s my motto! Not for nothing they call us LUNAtics.)
I’ll tell you everything sometime, in person.
What you say to yourself, however, matters more than what people tell you.
I always say to myself —I don’t know and —What if? Honestly, I think I live my whole life between these phrases.
When I feel sure of something I say —I don’t know. When I doubt something I say —What if? It keeps my disbelief suspended.
If all this sounds cliché, maybe it suits the problem.
Speaking of cliché.
I would close by confessing something to you, but you already know.
(I’ll tell you anyway sometime, in person.)
People always say it. It’s when they show it that counts.
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.
— Ever D
P.S. Funny how you can fall for the way someone writes. The things they say, how they say them. They get stuck in your head. You play them on repeat. It touches somewhere that nothing else does.
P.P.S. —What really knocks me out is a book that, when you’re all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours. This can happen with letters.
P.P.P.S. I don’t know anything. I just remember everything.
P.P.P.P.S. People always say I have a sedative effect on them. (100% not joking.) I’ve worked for that. I take the compliment!
P.P.P.P.P.S. According to deGrasse Tyson —Based on the human genome, you are 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 possible human beings, a conservative estimate too.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. You are precious (if only in strictly scientific terms!)
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I met Her in astronomy class. (Some things you can’t make up.) One love always leads to another.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. The universe gives you what you’re ready for.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. In my next letter, I won’t quote anybody. I promise.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. And no P.S.’s.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I really should stop procrastinating.